Normally when I’m not in a good mood and Drew asks me, “What’s wrong, J?”, my typical reply is simply, “Nothing, I’m just tired.”
Now, there are two kinds of “tired”, at least in my world.
The first tired is the – I just worked all day, got my son from daycare, attempted to make dinner, go get groceries, go for a walk, laundry or dishes, clean the kitchen, give Ollie a bath, read the same book 10 times in a row, put him to bed, barely stay awake to watch The Office and then lay awake for an hour thinking about all of the things I have to do the next day- tired. That tired, is a good tired. Though I am exhausted by 8:00, I feel good about myself that I made it through the day and got stuff done. I may have had a mental breakdown here and there, but I got it done. So to me, that’s a good tired.
The second “tired” usually starts out with “Im tired of feeling…” broke. Not good enough. Jealous. Lost. Angry. Unwanted. Stressed. Ashamed. Like I can’t catch a break. Worried. Heartache after heartache. Broken. This “tired” drains me out more than the first. It’s mentally exhausting, because I’m constantly thinking about it. It’s physically exhausting, because I have to act like I’m just peachy on the outside, when on the inside all I want to do is cry and scream and just shut myself out from the world.
This “tired” can either be bad, or good. It can mean defeated, or determined.
When this “tired” happens, you can wallow in self pity. You can let it drag you down so there’s no more light inside. You can feel empty. — I’m not bashing those who do this, either. Because I’ve been there. I’ve seen where there was no hope in sight. I’ve let myself get to the lowest of lows. I’ve let this “tired” defeat me.
But then I’ve also seen the good in this “tired.” Instead of letting it defeat me, I was determined to make it through. I knew I was stronger than the enemy. I knew that there was light. I knew that I could conquer this mountain of self doubt.
I knew this because Jesus is there when I’m tired. When I’m at my lowest of my lows, and bound and determined to win this fight, that’s when I feel Him there the most. (Not saying that He’s not there during the good times, I know that I should still be praying and thanking him doing the good times too, I’ve been working on that- I’m human- pray for me.) But when I’m on my knees crying out to God to help me through, He does. Not just sometimes, every time.
It’s okay to be tired. Both kinds of tired. Whichever “tired” you’re feeling in this moment, just know that Jesus is there, and He will help you through it.