Into the Unknown: Fear and Control

Have you ever thought about what the word fear really means? I’m not only talking about physical fear. Such as fear of spiders, fear of the dark, fear of getting too fat. I’m talking about the dark, dirty, despair feeling you have when you are emotionally afraid. That pit at the bottom of your stomach when you are waiting for test results. That panic that sets in when you have no clue what the future will hold.

I have always lived in fear and anxiety. Since a little kid, I felt unstable and out of control. So what would I do when I felt afraid of the unknown? I would try to control my situation. Decisions are made for you as a kid, so when you become an adult, you think, well now it’s my turn to be in control. When you live alone, you can control most aspects of our life. It’s pretty cushy!
Flash forward to becoming married. Oh man, they tell you marriage is hard, but you have not one fraction of an idea of how difficult it is until you do marry. They are the one person you give every part of you to and they have utmost power to destroy you with just a simple few words. So how would I respond? Control! I am going to try to control you because I am afraid of losing you. I’ll let you figure out how that turned out..
In the past few months I have been faced with terrifying times of waiting. My anxiety has been through the roof. I have wasted time from something that should be joyful, to a time of what ifs. What if this turns out bad? What if I can’t make it through this? How can I prepare myself for the worst so I won’t be let down? How can I control this?!
My husband sat me down one day. He said to me: “Babe, just because you prepare yourself for the worst, doesn’t mean you are going to be any less let down if that does happen. So instead, live in joy. Live in hope of the future instead of fear and control.” Dang. I married up good, can I get an amen?!
When you are afraid, that is totally normal. You are talking to the queen of worrying. Fear can be a good thing at times. It can prevent you from falling off a cliff or making a stupid lifetime mistake! But don’t let fear rob you of your joy. Talk to God. Let Him embrace you in His arms and feel the warmth. His joy is more than enough to get you through hard times. Lean on His understanding.
Much love!

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