Piece by Peace

In case anyone missed our announcement over the weekend… WE’RE PREGNANT!!!

Our second, sweet little babe will be coming in July. After a year or more of trying, this was the biggest answered prayer. And I wish I could tell you that I was joyfully praying and trusting God every month that went by. But I wasn’t. Far from it, actually. I was without peace. Month after month, waiting anxiously, expecting it to come so easily like it did with our first. But every time the one, single line popped up, I became more worried, angry, depressed. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I wouldn’t be able to have kids again. I thought that God didn’t WANT me to have another kid, because I wasn’t “qualified.” So many thoughts poured through my mind throughout the months that pulled me further and further away from God’s peace, and I wasn’t doing anything to help it. I was letting the self doubt get to me. I was letting the enemy steal away any hope I had.

This last October, I felt differently. I was tired of feeling so drained by this constant discouragement. I was tired of letting this disappointment ruin any joy and happiness I already had, with the family I already had. I had decided that this month, I wasn’t going to worry. I wasn’t going to count down anxiously until the day the box said I could take the test early. I wasn’t even going to talk to Drew about it. Because even though he was a lot better about being hopeful with each month that past, he was also wanting me to take the test early every time. I get it, he was excited. But I felt like I couldn’t TRULY have peace if I didn’t just let time take it’s course and pray and wait.

So on a Wednesday afternoon- October 25th to be exact- we were all just sitting at home before church. Drew had lost his job a week or two before, so I honestly had a lot more on my mind than taking some test. But I felt this peace wash over me. It was a day before I was supposed to get my period, and i just felt it. I’m not saying my body felt differently, but I just knew that this was it, it was time to just go do it, just take the test. I didn’t even tell Drew I was going to do it. I just went in there with hope, peace, joy- whether it was going to be positive or not.

Finally, when I looked at the test, I only saw one line. And in that split second, all of that peace and hope and joy that I had had when I went in there, telling myself that either way, I wouldn’t let it bring me down, came rushing back again. I was in tears. I was just about to run out of the bathroom for the tenth time to tell Drew there was something wrong with me. But then I took a second glance, and there it was, that sweet, simple second line that we had been praying for.

I wanted to be excited and scream and run out of the bathroom into Drew’s arms. But instead, I felt silly. I felt disappointed in myself for doubting our God. It took one second to turn His peace into my own self pity.

Obviously, now at 10 weeks pregnant, we are overjoyed. And I am thanking God everyday for our little miracle. I am thanking Him for giving us what we had been asking for, even with my selfish attitude. I am thanking Him for showing me that if we just have trust and patience in our asking, He will give, but in HIS timing.  I am thanking Him for filling that piece, that was missing from me for so long, with his undeniably sweet, graceful peace.

So, here’s to the next 8 months of fatigue, mood swings, fast food and chocolate. I’ll be sure to keep you updated on our journey. 🙂

-J

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