Yesterday, I got a text from Drew saying he had bought tickets for that night to go to a movie that I had been wanting to see.
You would think that I would be completely overjoyed with his sweet gesture.
But I wasn’t.
I need a plan. A plan that I know of AT LEAST 24 hours in advance. I need to know exactly what the day is going to entail the minute I get up. And if something doesn’t go the way that I had planned… if something gets in the way… if something changes drastically…well, I’m kind of a big mess.
There’s this sense of urgency that hits me. The kind that makes my mind go in a million places, thinking of all of the things that I need to “figure out.” I get stressed. I get amped up. I get UPSET.
So yes, I (embarrassingly) got worked up when Drew told me that we were going to a movie that night. As he pointed out, I got passive aggressive with him. “Well, what about dinner??!! I don’t have time to make those tacos now!” “What about Oliver??!! He doesn’t like when somebody else besides you puts him to bed!” “Why did you already pay for the tickets??!! I HAD A GIFT CARD!!!”
I didn’t look at it as a night out with just my husband (which we haven’t had in a long, long time.) I looked at it as a pain in my butt.
Now, did I eventually get over it? Yes. Did I realize how silly I had reacted? Yes. Was Oliver just fine? Of course. Every little thing was alright in the end. And that’s how it usually goes.
But that still made me stop and think about where my ill-love of a spontaneous life comes from.
I like being comfortable. I think that stems from growing up in a small town. You get comfortable with the same familiar faces. You get comfortable with going down the same streets. You get comfortable with the same thing, day after day after day. And I really did love the small town comfort. But it’s a blessing and a curse. Because once you leave that comfort, you don’t really know how to live in a world full of change and a little bit (or a lot) of the feeling of being uncomfortable. You don’t know how to live a life full of last minute adventures. Or maybe I’m the only one. Probably, actually.
I have slowly seen what this need for comfort and planning has done to me. I can’t make decisions to save my life, unless I have a week to think about it. I don’t like meeting new people, because the feeling of awkwardness and being uncomfortable washes over me. I have become content with routine. The same routine, day in and day out. I have formed this bubble that only I can control.
And that’s not the way I want to live.
That’s not the way my husband wants to live.
That’s not the way Jesus wants me to live.
Jesus calls us to live a life after Him. To follow His plan. To show the love of Him wherever I go.
And I can’t do that while being comfortable. I can’t do that without being willing to take that leap of faith- the true feeling of spontaneous. I have to be able to let go of my plan, so I can follow His.
I’m not going to change overnight, I know that. Luckily, I married someone who loves to fly by the seat of his pants. Who loves to keeps me on my toes and “mess up” my plan. So I know he will keep me accountable in trying to overcome my obsession with having control.
So, if you could, pray for me, and my newfound hope for a spontaneously uncomfortable life.