Do you remember when I said that God’s plan may be far different than the plan we had? His plan would be better. His plan was on His timing and not our own. HIS PLAN. HIS PURPOSE. All for us.
I needed that reminder.
A couple months back I decided that I was going to be a stay at home mom. We had another baby on the way and I couldn’t imagine leaving both of my little ones. I also knew that while staying home, I still needed to provide some sort of income for our family. I honestly thought it would be no problem finding something to do from home. I had been doing my blog long enough that I thought I could start making some money with it. I read article after article about people doing it, so why couldn’t I? I was on a mission to accomplish this.
I can’t even tell you how many at home jobs I applied to. I was looking daily. I was getting denied weekly. I got back so many emails stating “We really like you, but we are going with somebody else.” Basically I was good, but not good enough. You can only get so many no’s before you start to question everything about yourself. You wonder what is wrong with you, that nobody wants you. You wonder why your plan, the plan you thought was aligned with Gods, was failing.
Even with the continuous denials, I kept pressing. I kept believing that God had something special planned for me, just on His time.
Slowly, I saw the summer go before my eyes. My baby came. Weeks went by. Still nothing.
Once August hit, I knew our family wouldn’t make it much longer without something. So I frantically started applying to anything and everything I could find. I figured I could work some silly job for a short time while I continued to press on with my blog.
But I still got nothing. I even got denied by Target…TARGET! My sole happy place and where I spend my days (and money.) That one hit hard. What else could there be?!
I remember pleading to God. To give me what it is that I needed. Maybe not what I wanted, but what I NEEDED. What He had planned for me.
This is why God is so, so good.
Literally that same day, hours later, I got a call that a Para Educator position had opened back up in the same school I had just been at. Same position, same hours, same holiday breaks. What I had left thinking that God had something else in store, ended up being exactly where I was supposed to be. He just needed to show me that.
I had instant tears as soon as I got that news. Not because I didn’t want to go back, but because I had thought I had failed. I thought I had failed my kids by not being able to actually stay at home with them. I thought I had failed Drew because I put him through months of stress and worry about what we were going to do. I thought I had failed God because I didn’t stay on His path. I followed my own blindly thinking that I would make it back to His path eventually. I thought I had failed myself and all of those who follow my blog, because I had preached and preached about following your dream and allowing God to work through you, and I couldn’t even do that.
As sad as I could be about not actually staying home with my babies like I had wanted, I truly feel this overwhelming peace. I could be sad, but I see so many blessings that come with this. Instead of working multiple, endless jobs to provide for but also take away time from our family, Drew can continue to do something he actually enjoys, and we can continue to work in the same place, and that is a huge blessing. It is a blessing that Oliver can go back to a daycare with workers that love and teach him the best they can and to be around other kids his age. It is a blessing that Iris will get to spend her days with a grandma that will love her just as much as we do. It is a blessing that God knows me better than I know myself. He saw me silently struggle everyday to keep my cool while trying to raise a toddler and newborn all day by myself. He saw the tears. He saw me getting mentally and spiritually exhausted. I’m not saying I failed as a stay at home mom or that I will never be able to do it again. I’m saying in this season of life I am called to be the working, loving mama who will continue to make memories with her babies, regardless if I’m not with them all day long.
Even if it may not look like the perfect picture that you had in your head, it is far better and greater and will make you the best version of you. Listen to it. Follow it. Love the journey while you’re in it. Find the blessings and cherish them.