When you’re pregnant, you are warned by doctors and those around you that postpartum depression is a real thing, and the signs to look out for that you may be experiencing.
Thankfully, I never really experienced it with either pregnancy. With Oliver, my first, I had little bits and pieces of hormonal new mom feelings. Not knowing what I’m doing and feeling overwhelmed at times. But nothing much more than that.
So when I had Iris 4 months ago, I was again looking for the signs of postpartum depression.
But something else hit me.
I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t sad or feeling helpless or anything that comes with it.
But I was ANGRY.
I had this uncontrollable rage that would just come out whenever it felt like it; I would yell and say things that later I would instantly regret. It made my stomach sink and heart hurt that I was saying and showing these things to my husband, and especially in front of my kids. Sadly, I think Oliver got a lot of it. Anytime a cup spilled, a toy wasn’t working right, he was walking too slow or wasn’t listening. Typical toddler things that may make other moms pull their hair out, but what I felt was unbearably worse.
I’ve always had a quick temper; many people joke that that is a quality of only a red head. But no matter how many deep breaths I took, no matter how many times I cried about the things I said and promised myself I wouldn’t act like that again, it was just something that I literally could not control.
I would like to say it has gotten better with time and my hormones slowly getting back to normal… whatever that is.
But I still slip up sometimes when things don’t go my way. I still have moments that show the weakest of myself. And I still cry sometimes praying that Oliver won’t remember this side of his mama.
Postpartum depression is a real thing. I know that and I’m not taking anything away from those who have experienced it. But we also need to start talking about this postpartum rage. Because it is also a REAL thing that eats away at us day in and day out. It should be something that is brought up to look out for, and to know what to do if you experience it. Because no mother should feel the shame of dealing with the negative side effects of postpartum. They should know that they’re not alone and that there are so many of us that have gone through the same thing.
They should know that no matter what feelings they have- sadness, anger, joy or a mixture of all 3- that they have somebody by their side helping them through it.