As someone who wears her heart on her sleeve and feels the weight of the world on her shoulders at all times, you could say that these last few months have been tough. And by tough, I mean exhausting and emotional and everything in between.
I’m not a hugger, but I want to hug everybody that I see. That’s how hard it’s been.
And I’ve been lucky. I’ve been able to be at home since schools closed in March. I haven’t been on the front lines of COVID-19 or the riots or anything else 2020 has thrown at us. Physically I’ve been safe at home spending A LOT of quality time with my kids and husband. Mentally and emotionally though, I’m right there and at home and all over the place all at the same time.
I had a mental breakdown the other day. I was trying to figure out what the last of my schooling is going to look like in the fall. If I’ll be able to finish the few classes I have left, if I’ll be able to still start student teaching, if I will be able to take the Praxis this fall. And I knew the answer to those questions before I even asked them: nobody knows. Cue sobbing. And then there is Drew telling me this sudden realization: “This is the biggest nightmare for you because you’re a planner and you can’t plan anything right now.”
So, basically my biggest nightmare has been happening for the last 4 months. But hey, at least I lasted a good 4 months before having this mental breakdown!!! (Joking… kind of.)
But in all seriousness, I have taken some time the last couple of days to cope and realize that, for a person who plans, for a person who empathizes so deeply for others, for a person who just wants peace and love in this world, I have literally only gotten through this time by GRACE.
By the GRACE of God, who has pushed me to dig deeper into what He says and who He says I am, even at my worst times.
By GRACE, I have learned how to show more grace for others. For essential workers who have literally been living at the front of my biggest nightmare. For people who are hurting and just want others to see WHY they’re hurting. For the people making hard decisions in regards to the school year and the parents who have a decision to make with what they want for their kids.
Grace has pulled me through and will continue to. Because as much as I would love to go back to “normal”, I also know that we are far from that. I know that my biggest nightmare has turned into a reality that only grace and Jesus can walk me through.
Seek for more grace. Give more grace.